A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Friday, January 30, 2009
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Gravity defying poo
When my sister was about three I was getting her ready to have a bath. I left her alone for about two minutes and when I came back she'd pooed all over my room. My mum came down and we cleaned the floor up. But then I noticed something astounding, I shouted up to my Mum 'Mum, Grace has pooed on the wall'. She shouted back 'Well get some tissue to wipe it off then.' I replied 'No, you misunderstand me. She has actually done a poo on the wall'. It was quite a sight, god knows how she performed this gravity defying stunt, but we were so impressed at the turd, a foot from the ground and showing no signs of heading to earth, that we rang our neighbor up to come and have a look as well.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Water feature
Ooooh first response to a question of the week... sorry for length...
Used to work in a terrible 70's semi-skyscraper just opposite the Houses of Parliament (Westminster Tower, crap building fans). It was notorious for faults and things breaking down, but the piece de resistance occurred one sunny day in 2001.
The kind ladies of the 4th floor, having been warned many times, finally succeeded in flushing enough sanitary wares down the 4th floor bogs to block them completely. The resulting failure was catastrophic - 13 floor building and terrible plumbing, so somehow 8 floors' worth of backed-up piss and shit exploded forth from the cubicals.
First warning on the 1st floor was the increasingly appalling smell, followed by the cry of disgust of the first person to open the stairwell door.
The stairs were a yellow-tinged waterfall, with frequent turds, tampons and other loo detritus plopping their merry way down. The stair treads were also open, so a continuous piss/shit shower was in effect as well.
Management sent us all home because of the 'health hazard', but sadly the lifts had been switched off because of the wetness, so the only way out was by playing turd hopscotch down the stairs while piss, shit and tampons dropped on our heads.
Never believe anyone that says it's bad luck to open an umbrella indoors.
Used to work in a terrible 70's semi-skyscraper just opposite the Houses of Parliament (Westminster Tower, crap building fans). It was notorious for faults and things breaking down, but the piece de resistance occurred one sunny day in 2001.
The kind ladies of the 4th floor, having been warned many times, finally succeeded in flushing enough sanitary wares down the 4th floor bogs to block them completely. The resulting failure was catastrophic - 13 floor building and terrible plumbing, so somehow 8 floors' worth of backed-up piss and shit exploded forth from the cubicals.
First warning on the 1st floor was the increasingly appalling smell, followed by the cry of disgust of the first person to open the stairwell door.
The stairs were a yellow-tinged waterfall, with frequent turds, tampons and other loo detritus plopping their merry way down. The stair treads were also open, so a continuous piss/shit shower was in effect as well.
Management sent us all home because of the 'health hazard', but sadly the lifts had been switched off because of the wetness, so the only way out was by playing turd hopscotch down the stairs while piss, shit and tampons dropped on our heads.
Never believe anyone that says it's bad luck to open an umbrella indoors.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Last one...
Our school used to have a yearly 'school camp' outing, which was as tedious as 5 days in a field can be for 15 year olds. Given the state of the 2 portaloo's (wasps/ants a plenty) I vowed to piss against trees and simply not shit till I got back.
I hadn't counted on the amount of food that we'd be eating (not to mention the full cooked breakfast I'd had the morning we'd got there). And so, rolling around in my tent in complete agony on the last night, I decided to take a shit. Not just any shit, a stealthy ninja shit.
I scrabbled in the dark with a roll of Andrex in hand (I'm not an animal) and walked until I felt I was far enough away from the camp, squatted and dropped away. I finished up and went back to sleep contented and relaxed.
It was the next morning when I saw my French teacher clutching reams of shitty toilet paper that I realised my mistake, I hadn't accounted for the wind that night... It had blown my used toilet tissue all across one side of the camp site and now, visibly retching, a grown man was plucking poo-paper from the branches of a tree.
As he walked passed asking no-one in particular "Who would bloody do something so bloody stupid!", I shook my head and tried to look angry, puzzled and innocent. Of course I should have said "Me! It was me!"
I hadn't counted on the amount of food that we'd be eating (not to mention the full cooked breakfast I'd had the morning we'd got there). And so, rolling around in my tent in complete agony on the last night, I decided to take a shit. Not just any shit, a stealthy ninja shit.
I scrabbled in the dark with a roll of Andrex in hand (I'm not an animal) and walked until I felt I was far enough away from the camp, squatted and dropped away. I finished up and went back to sleep contented and relaxed.
It was the next morning when I saw my French teacher clutching reams of shitty toilet paper that I realised my mistake, I hadn't accounted for the wind that night... It had blown my used toilet tissue all across one side of the camp site and now, visibly retching, a grown man was plucking poo-paper from the branches of a tree.
As he walked passed asking no-one in particular "Who would bloody do something so bloody stupid!", I shook my head and tried to look angry, puzzled and innocent. Of course I should have said "Me! It was me!"
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